One Year

(Photo: Happy First Birthday Jocelyn!

With Birthday cake evidence on your chin!)

Joy. May 26th.,2009. Jocelyn is one year old today. What a blessing it is to celebrate with her on her special day.

Exactly one year ago today there had been so many 'what ifs.' Amanda was great with child and she was already a couple of days overdue. I was still trying to make sense out of my ovarian cancer diagnosis. My surgery was scheduled for Wednesday, May 28th. Was I going to be able to be with Amanda when her second little gift arrived? What if I would be too out of it to hold my grandbaby? What if the cancer had spread dramatically? What if I didn't make it? Could I even dare hope that I would see my dear new little granddaughter's first birthday?

Amanda's midwife was not on call on the weekend so she was praying that Jocelyn would wait and be delivered on Monday, May 26th. I wanted at least one day to treasure our new little grandbaby before I went under the sharp knife, so I, too, was praying for Amanda to go into labour on the Monday.

God was so good. He heard our prayers. And that was precisely what happened. Amanda went into hospital around 1pm on Monday, and ended up having Jocelyn at 3:30pm. And I was able to be there to share the moment. That was a wonderful distraction for me and a precious sight to behold. I will be forever grateful for that gift.

I love it when my plans work out to be just like God's. That doesn't always happen, but I trust Him completely to be the wiser One!

So now, one year later, I rejoice, and am still filled with awe at how God was at work. I have learned to treasure the moments and I continue to try to leave the rest up to Him. Did I mention I also count my blessings daily?

Today, though, I am focussing on one amazing blessing in pink! Happy Birthday Missy Moo. Grandma loves you...x

Dancing in the Street!

Okay, so maybe I am not physically boogy-woogying so much, but the news I received from the London Cancer Clinic yesterday was reason for my spirit to do the tango!

My CA125 - the marker for Ovarian Cancer has dropped to 8 - well within the normal range (normal is 0-35.) Prior to my chemo it was a whopping 1500 plus, so this is a far cry from where I was and I am rejoicing. I know the doc was reluctant to do the test last week at my checkup, lest it be elevated and I become stressed. But I was prepared to deal with what came my way. Thank you Jesus for this new lease on life.

I know I am not considered cancer free yet, but I sure am happy that I had the blood test and things look hopeful. I journey on now (albeit a little slower than before) and remember my "sisters" who are not quite as joyful about their blood levels. I will always be a voice for ovarian cancer and I pray I can find opportunities to tell others about this so called whispering disease.

So what's next on the trip? I guess my participation on the Sunflower Seeds Team as we walk to help raise both funds and awareness about ovarian cancer.

I still await the results from the ultrasound of the little lump on my rib. But I am not too worried about that. It's not the first benign lump found on my body! Sigh.

Meanwhile I am chin up and hands heavenward rejoicing where I am today. x

Testing 1, 2, 3

Today Gilles and I went to the Cancer clinic in London. It was time for my six month check-up. Time sure has a way of marching on, although when I stepped inside the clinic it felt like it was just yesterday that I was being poked and prodded and receiving my lion's share of the chemotherapy bittersweet poison.

I gazed at all the new faces and felt that old familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. I supressed the urge to cry or fall victim to the 'why me' scenario.

Gilles wandered off to his old haunt at the clinic - the Tim Horton's coffee shop, as I punched my information into the new computer. I like the new terminals that have recently replaced the page after page of questions on the clipboards. Entering my information into the computer was a bit of a diversion from wondering what was going to take place this time around behind closed clinic doors.

After my check-up last time, I remember leaving the clinic feeling frustrated and sad. My own gyne/oncologist was not there then and although the Doc who filled in for him was nice, he did nothing to reassure me that all was well in my post chemo world. When I asked him about doing the CA125, he explained to me in lengthy medical jargon mixed in with some psychobabble, why he would not do it.

Today was different. I love my own Doc. There is something upfront and personal about the doc' who removed my uterus (and all the attachments) and I really do think he knows me better! So I proceeded to natter on about how I really would like to have the CA125 done for my own sanity. He discussed how the result might cause me stress if it is elevated and how they would not do further chemo so early after the last one, if it is up. Then I proceeded to tell him how stressed I would be if I walked out of his office without getting the test done! I convinced him. He has the most amazing, calming bedside manner but he did say that he would arrange for me to have the bloodwork. So I did. It's done and I await the results.

A couple of weeks ago, I found a wretched little lump in my rib area so I pointed this out to my nice doctor, too, today. He thinks it is a lipoma, which I tend to be prone to getting. But as is his way, he has ordered an ultrasound to check things out. More waiting. But at least I can get it done in Palmerston, which is about 15 minutes away, rather than having to travel the two hours to London again. I'm praying for that to be good news.

Having cancer has changed my entire outlook on life, and maybe this is a bit dramatic, but it never leaves me. Ovarian cancer winks and pinches me every hour of the day. I thought I was losing it when I found myself with such thoughts but after talking to other survivors I have learned this is a very natural way of thinking. Perhaps time will change things, but as it stands, cancer is in my pocket always (thank goodness I also have a little metallic cross in my pocket,too, that reminds me Who is stronger, though!) Sigh. We journey on. X

Birds of a Feather

Photo:

One of my 'good morning' friends. God's beauty is around us always.

Photo:

Does anyone know what this little critter is? I can't find it in my bird book but it sure said a big 'howdy' to me the other day as it lighted at my feeder.

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On Thursday I once again head off to the London Cancer Clinic to face the music. My 6 month check-up looms near. What is it that gives me that heartburn and sinking feeling? Memories? Fear? Futility?

I am wondering what the learned professionals will toss my way this time around. I am thinking that the song I hear may be the same old tune, so I'm going to stay positive and focussed on the things I can do something about.

Hearing the story about how there isn't anything anyone can do, and there is a fifty/fifty chance of my ovarian cancer returning, won't floor me this time. I'm ready. I'm leaving the details up to God. Afterall, He did say He would take care of the sweetly seranading birds, right? So I am thinking that if He can take such good care of those little winged critters, then I think He will take good care of me, too. x

I Miss My Mom

Happy Mother's Day!

I sure am thinking of my own Mom right now. I miss her terribly. In July it will be two years since my sweet Momma' went to be with Jesus.

Some days I am strong and well in tune with life and death and how we were created as finite beings with the old three score and ten - or was that four score and ten - life span? Nobody has to tell me that death is inevitable and life does go on. I know that. But other days I feel as weak as a kitten and struggle to understand why loved ones have to suffer and die.

Then I remember God's plan. I remember how He promised that He would never leave or forsake us. I also remember that Jesus said in John 14:1 - "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in Me. In my Father's house there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am..."

Although I miss my mother, I know I will see her again one day and I am hoping that we can have a room very close to one another when I make it to the pearly gates.

Meanwhile, tomorrow, when I celebrate Mother's Day with my own beautiful children and their precious families, I will treasure the moment and etch it deeply in my heart. I thank God that I was spared some more time to realize my blessings and gather more memories.

And I will think of my own mother...and sip a cup of tea in her honour...she did love her tea...I love you Mom xxx

Turning up the Volume on Ovarian Cancer

(Photo: Anja {ace photographer} and Yours Truly @ Zeal for Teal - May 2/09. Check out Anja's fancy- schmancy nails!)

I think it is safe to say that our Zeal for Teal fundraiser for Ovarian Cancer Canada, was a rousing success. We had an amazing, relaxing time and being in the company of so many sisters was wonderful and heart-warming for me, to say the least. We've had a some feedback already and I am very pleased to announce that it looks like we might have to do this again next year but in a bigger venue! We hardly advertised this time around for we were a little timid about getting too many and having to turn bodies away. Yikes! But most people we spoke to said they will spread the word and that they will tell others what a wonderful day it was.

Amanda, my darling daughter was the driving force behind this great day of scrapbooking and card-making. Her enthusiasm was contagious and I am going to have to give her an A+ for creativity. My little girl did her momma' proud as she conducted the day in such an organized manner. She put her scatter chemo-brained mother to shame! :)

I am thinking that God was smiling down on us on Saturday as we celebrated with lots of laughter, a few tears, a spirit of fellowship and a roomful of beautiful women. Just the night before I had received an uplifting e-mail from my heart sister, Frannie, in Florida. She was wishing us well for the day. Some of her tender and thoughtful words still resonate in my soul:

"Tomorrow is a special day....a day of personal rejoicing at the goodness of God in your life...tomorrow will be one year, one week and one day of moving forward, up and out and beyond the hopelessness of your initial diagnosis. He was there for you, every step of the way, holding you up and helping you walk through. There is a song..."Where would I be, You only know" -that is so true. And my dear friend, He knew EXACTLY where you were, what you needed at every moment....how can we ever thank Him enough for His loving care. We serve a good, good God!"

How blessed am I to be surrounded and encouraged by so many?

On behalf of our Sunflower Seeds Team {Darlene, Janice, Amanda (Jr) Amanda and me}...thanks to everyone who joined with us Saturday, whether in heart, body, prayer, thoughts...your support helps make this world a better place. We love you. x

Last Friday was a tough day. It was exactly one year ago on the 24th of April that I received the diagnosis of ovarian cancer. I felt a little bit of a nit-wit as I shed a few tears and re-experienced the emotional attack. I couldn't quite figure why I cried. I couldn't understand why my chest felt tight and I just wanted to retreat.

Gilles hugged me and didn't say much. He, too, realized the journey and the weight of the luggage we had both carried over the past year. I find it hard to believe that an entire twelve months have passed and that my chemotherapy is complete.

I cry for my sisters who are still journeying. I cry for those who are yet to be diagnosed. I pray that women can become more aware of the signs and symptoms and that they, too, can be caught at an early stage and be treated succesfully.

This weekend I am helping with a fund-raiser for Ovarian Cancer Canada. Our goal is to help raise awareness about this insidious and appropriately dubbed - silent killer. I am looking forward to the Zeal for Teal day in Drayton, but I have a funny feeling that it is going to be a bit of an emotional experience as I stand before 60 women and share my story. God will be with me and I know whatever transpires will be a testimony to His glory.

Onward and Upward

I am proud of my daughter and thankful as she continues to encourage me. Amanda rallied us last September to participate in the Winner's Walk for Hope in Barrie, Ontario (and we're going to do it again this September!)

Recently Amanda has been working hard to make our 'Zeal for Teal" scrapbooking for Ovarian Cancer Awareness Fundraiser a special day on May 2nd.
Amanda coined the phrase - Zeal for Teal - and I was impressed. Ever since my diagnosis and subsequent battle with ovarian cancer and chemotherapy, she was determined to do something tangible on my behalf and her "zeal" continues to spill over.

Thanks to her creative talent our scrapbooking crop plans are culminating in a meeting this weekend. Amanda, Janice (my sweet supportive daughter-in-law) and Darlene (my faithful friend and equally supportive pretend little sister) and I will be putting on the finishing touches and defining our duties!
We still have about four or five spots left so if anyone out there is still thinking about joining us on this special day, then come on down...let us know and we will sign you up.
The day promises to be a wonderful time filled with freebies, door prizes galore, games, make-and-takes, grab-bags, free mini-pedicures, on-site stores, fine food and more. And the best part is we get to do it all in our pajamas!

I get to welcome everyone and share a reader's digest version about what it has been like to live with cancer and to also share what God has taught me on my journey. Ovarian Cancer Canada is very supportive of this project and have helped us with promotions. They have sent us some literature to share with women so I am manning the little information area.

My hope and prayer is that we have a rocking good time on May 2nd but at the same time we do our part to help raise awareness about ovarian cancer, which is often dubbed the silent killer. Bring it on!

Gifts

Sometimes I wish I could draw or paint. Then I imagine what it would be like to have the ability to calculate and rhyme off a multitude of mathematical formulae without digging out a text. Maybe having athletic prowess would be something to treasure. Or what if I could pick up an instument and make beautiful music? If I could sing like an angel, then I think I would love that.

I read a newspaper article the other day about a gal in England who is 47 and who has just recently brought her gifts to the forefront via a rather different venue - Britain's Got Talent. She, in fact, sings like an angel.

The show is an American/Canadian Idol spin-off and they have all sorts of different folk strutting their stuff and trying to prove why they should win the coveted award and be named the most talented in the country.

Anyway, this singer - Susan Boyle seems to have a lovely story and an amazing voice. I checked her out on YouTube. She was apparently born and raised in a wee village in Scotland (near where I used to live) and spent many years caring for her aging and sick parents. She sang in the church choir and appears as humble in spirit with her new-found fame. I heard her in an interview on CNN and as she signed off after the interviewer had gushed and remarked on her amazing singing abilities, she said something that I thought was really sweet. She told the interviewer to remember that she was special, too.

I thought about that statement. We are all given gifts and abilities that emerge sooner or later. We are all special in God's eyes and the gifts He has given us will glorify Him as long as we recognize and use them. I perhaps see that as my challenge, or at least, a reminder.

Maybe not everyone is cut out to be a famous singer or an artist extraordinaire. But there are many different kinds of gifts. Those of hospitality; those who care for the sick, the needy, the poor. Some teach; others preach; some have a heart for spreading the love of God through drama, dance, writing. There are prophets and poets and politicians and shepherds and mechanics, musicians and craftspeople and lovers of animals...

Do you ever wonder where you fit in? I know I do. But the more I think about it the more I realize that we are each an important part of the puzzle called life. Our job is not to make the puzzle pieces fit together. That's God's job. Our part is to make sure we are using our gifts and abilities in a manner fitting to His plan.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me togetherin my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful..." Psalm 139:13-14

Zonked

These past two weeks have flown by and I have the energy reserve of a flea. Right now I am happy to report that my Paternal influence has relocated and is living close to our home in little ol' Drayton. It has been a busy week for our family as we packed poppa' bear up and had him move this way. I have tales to tell but my energy is zapped right now. I just wanted to let my faithful followers know that I still love you and am suffering from writing withdrawals or blog deprivation. However this weekend promises to be a busy one again. I will write soon. Meanwhile keep checking back for the latest update. Night all. I'm off to find a corner to curl up in. Hugs...