Monday, January 11, 2010

Neurotic? Psychotic? Idiotic?

So I went to the doctor's armed with my lovely new agenda. The list seemed silly but Shirley, the nurse, encouraged me by telling me that it was a smart thing to do, for patients have the tendency to forget things once the doctor walks in.

"You don't think I am neurotic doing this?" I asked.

"Of course not. It's your life and your body. You have every right to say what's up and to write it down."

We chatted some more. Shirley gave me the confidence to express exactly what was on my mind and to request my CA125 blood test although my oncologist told me it would just be a source of anxiety if it was elevated. In other words, they wouldn't do repeat chemotherapy until I got sicker.

It was a bit of an extended visit with my lovely MD and she seemed sincere in her concerns and allowed me to share and read from my 'neurotic list.' In a nutshell, she ended up ordering two ultrasounds, one x-ray, one mammogram and bloodwork.

So I went on my merry way and wrote the dates down for all my appointments. All of a sudden I felt like it was 2008 again when health related appointments were the order of the day, the week, the month, the year!

With students rebooked and dates juggled, I ended up being able to have all the tests in one day, except for the bloodwork. I had an ultrasound and a mammogram in one hospital and a mammogram and a second ultrasound in another hospital. Bloodwork will happen next Wednesday [I have to remember not to eat anything in the morning!]

I am now waiting for the results of the ultrasound and the x-ray. These were done because of the lump on the base of my spine and also as a followup from the unexplained 'spell' that I had before Christmas. I am thinking that no news is good news, because it has been three days and no one has called.

The mammogram is another story. I am trying not to think bad thoughts but the news did come in and now I have to go back to get 'rechecked.' The nurse who called me on the day following the initial mammogram said the doctor who read it 'just wasn't sure.' They wanted to check a suspicious area. So here's the kicker. The nurse scored me another appointment but it isn't for another three and a half weeks. To me, that sounds like it's naught to fret about, right?

Thinking positively. Giving it to God. Taking it back again to chew and worry over. Thinking positively again. Apologizing and giving it back to God. Sigh...

Being a profoundly lumpy person, I am trying to get my head around this and am trying to convince myself that these are 'just another couple of harmless lumps."

Enough said...I have had my little panic attack so now I will wait. I mean, why waste my time thinking the worst when I could be enjoying the best! One day at a time, sweet Jesus!


WhiteStone said...

I'm in the same boat. Another round of tests. Possibly another round of chemo. I have to work hard to remember to leave the worrying to God. But today? I feel really good today. I'm grateful for that.

vjc said...

Neurotic? Psychotic? Idiotic?

None of the above, Glynis, just human. A verse I have to go back over and over again is 2 Corinthians 10:5 "...casting down imaginations, and every high thing that is exalted against the knowledge of God, and bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ; (ASV)" I like this version because it reminds me that most often it's my imagination that gets me worried and distracted. Hang in there! God's got it in His hands.

Violet said...

The new reality. I guess life never gets back to carefree, testfree days before the C word. You are in my prayers, friend!

The Koobs Klan said...

Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Count your blessings, name them one by one, Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Sounds like you're doing just that!
May your days be filled with blessing as you wait. And know you will be in our prayers. Love you muchly, The Koobs Klan xoxoxo

Melissa said...

Im am in the smae situation, actually tomorrow is the 'day' to get results for a hornedous pain in my side and lower back. For the first few weeks, i would fret, cry, shake, cry some more , go silent then come back around. Eventually I allowed myself accept that no matter what happens, my destiny has been set in stone. My acceptance of 'what will be, will be' has allowed me to just focus on today, because tomorrow is a new day.

Lori said...

"why waste my time thinking the worst when I could be enjoying the best"
Shoot - love this phrase! A great phrase for ALL of us! My God give you extra strength and peace during another waiting period.

Anonymous said...

I gave you this same lecture a long time ago! Dr. Erenberg is verrrrry thorough and he calls back mannnnny women for extra looks! Please again be assured by someone who knows(and cares).
All the best! Casey